Patience.

Sometimes it's the small victories. For sure. For me. I find it hardest to be completely calm, especially when I'm frustrated or annoyed.

I always relate myself to this one Post Secret post card. I think of it often. It's a picture of a dog, jaws nearly unhinged revealing its teeth, jumping out of the water, which dramatically splashes all around its face. The caption is something like:

I'm envious of those who can hide how they feel.

It's one of those things I've wished on stars for... since I was old enough to realize that playing the "cool" routine would keep people off my back. Still, to this day, I can't get away with much. Whether it's the tone of my voice or the wrinkling of my eyebrow, my state is hardly opaque.

Now, don't get me wrong. It makes me honest, and I've grown to be a bit more in-control than say... my 6th grade self. I've also learned to embrace it most often. Both the excitement and the stormy me.

But today! I realized how much more patient I've been. Especially over the last few months, when shit has really hit the fan. I know it's a small step, a small victory, but I'm proud of it. Even just in this moment.

Less impulsive. Less reactive. More careful.

mt

Are we there yet?

I decided to splurge.

Chinese food, in particular the Chinese food buffet, is a horrible idea for someone like me. Not only do I have issues with indulging in tasty food until my stomach feels like it's housing a village of overweight ninjas, but eating anything fried and delicious tends to kill me—no matter the amount.

But on Sunday, for the hell of it, I decided it was time to partake. The point of my story, leaving out the proceeding belly rumbles and loosening of my belt [and food coma], is that I received this fortune:

Thanks to Instagram!

You are almost there.

At any other point in my life, thus far, I might have tucked the greasy scrap into my wallet and called it a day [I collect fortunes], but I think maybe this Asian voodoo is onto something.

Last year, as I've spoken about before, was a helluva roller-coaster ride, mostly stemming from my lack of sleep and sustenance. Still. There are down days and broken moments—shit, I wish I could say I've completely "recovered." But you know what? I think I need those days; we all do, maybe. It makes the sun brighter on the flip. I got it. Cliche or not.

I've been thinking a lot about balance and "getting there," so it comes as no surprise that this fortune hit me. Almost. The punchline of my life lately: while most of my friends and coworkers consciously work on trying to be more organized, more on top of things, more responsible, less sleepy and less lazy... I'm trying to do the opposite. What do I mean?

• I see a piece of lint or two on the floor. My gut reaction is to fall to my knees and begin a 10-minute journey across my bedroom floor, with an eye at floor-level, picking up fuzz and hair until I acquire a mass large enough to be a tumbleweed. And now? I try to ignore it. I pretend it isn't there, reminding myself I can run the vacuum cleaner when I am not in a rush to get somewhere or do something. Take that, OCD!
• My roommate asks me to watch a movie. While I typically decline or say "yes," but gather up 900 things for me to do as the movie plays... I've been trying to do it. You know. Watch TV, just watch... not attempt to do 19 other things simultaneously. This is still in the works. I've noticed, though, that I have been actually attentive enough to understand the gist of movies lately. So there's that. Suck it, Oppressing Need for Productivity!
• It's 10:00 p.m. and I'm yawning. No! This is, perhaps, my worst fear! Becoming one of those people who go to work, go home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed...at 9:00! The typical me might have brewed up some coffee began a late-night regime of caffeine and cigs, but instead, I've been trying to listen to my body; you know, get more than four hours of sleep per night. See, there are things I like to do in the eve, namely creative ventures. Now, I haven't been closing my eyes at 10, but I have been settling in before midnight. This is a start! Go fly a kite, Self-Induced Insomnia!

So I'm almost there, huh? I like it. I really do. I feel like a freak for trying to relax, trying to be lazy sometimes... but. It's nice [and necessary!]

Any resolutions/goals for you all coming to fruition in 2013? Tell me I'm not the only one who picks lint off of my carpeting!

Best,
mt